Letting go.

True Statement: The unrealistic parameters that I have created for my life prevent me from fully living. I create these rules and timelines for what my life should look like. I measure out my serving of oatmeal out each morning. I time my runs and count crunches. I grow frustrated when I can’t learn something fast enough or when my work does not meet my expectations. I beat myself up over trying to please others or trying to fix things. I stew over things that I think I’ve done wrong, people that I’ve hurt or who have hurt me, or situations that I just can’t change. I seek to control what is out of my control, at the same time losing control, and just longing for someone else to take control. Funny. The worst part of it all is that I can realize all this and yet I just don’t want to let it go. Why is it so painful to let things go that prevent us from living the life that can be? [And I don’t mean the life that should be or would be (if only…)]

The moments I feel most alive are when I am dancing. Not at a dance class where I am bound to be self-critical or spend my time eyeing the moves of my neighbor. I am talking about middle of the field, drum circle, bonfire, dancing. For once, I don’t care who is there, who is watching me, what I am doing. Not self-conscious. Not shy. Not trying to please others. I am free to explore the rhythms, the energy, the environment. Trancelike I make my way to the center and spin and wave my arms, close my eyes, smiling, twirling, singing my own tune that has nothing to do with the music. There is nowhere else on earth that I should be at this moment. And I feel so alive. I can simply let go.

It is a feeling that, for me, is a conversation, a deep encounter with God. As I relinquish control and feel the energy around me it is the closest I come to knowing what it feels like to let go and simply live. In my opinion, it is a deep loss that the mystic components of many faith traditions are overlooked, scorned or deemed inappropriate for the mainstream institutions that we have created. I think the ancient faith followers understood something that we don’t and braved a tradition that allowed them to feel and experience God with senses that we are merely scared to discover. But, faith is going beyond what we know and the comfort and conformity that we abound in. We live life so rigidly and orderly that we cannot even imagine what it means to let go, embrace the very moment, the music, the context, the encounter. I am not saying we all have to dance. But, I do hope that we each find a release, a way to let go. To let go of the pain, the fears, the mistakes, the past, and find the forgiveness that each day brings and experience the community with God and each other that finally letting go allows.